I have a confession to make. 
I am a serial fern killer. 
There I’ve said it. 
Stores should have my photo in their plant sections.
‘This woman is capable of murder. Beware!’ the sign would read.

I’ve tried, they’ve died. Ugh, I do not understand. It’s so frustrating! 

Boston ferns, Staghorn ferns, Crispy Wave ferns – all dead. Inside and outside ferns. All. Dead. Not just like one or two here or there. Several over multiple years. It’s sad. And a total mystery! 

I’ve researched the best living conditions multiple times and have terrible luck. What the heck does it want from me?!

Generally, all my other plants live happily. Not ferns, they immediately die. I have a thriving orchid, for goodness sake! Talk about persnickety! I have an 11-year-old Monstera. ELEVEN YEARS! I have a plethora of plants, all happy and healthy.

And when my ferns die, I feel terrible! This poor living thing has succumbed to the rath of Janet (apparently). What an awful feeling. And yet I continue to purchase them. Continue to fail them. And continue to feel horrible about it. But I’m just so determined to get one to live!!

Isn’t that a sign of insanity? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Oh jeez, I’ve opened up a can of worms here (backs away slowly).

Every time I see a fern, I think, ‘maybe this one will live?!’. Nope, dead. But I can’t help myself. Even Dan has said, ‘Janet, enough’ (now that’s bad, haha). 

Perhaps it’s not me, per se? Maybe ferns don’t ‘want‘ to live once I bring them home! YA, that’s it! ‘It’s so insufferable here,’ sighed the Staghorn fern, hanging in the eastern morning light. ‘I can’t go on… cough, cough’. 
Boom! Dead! 
End scene. 

So if you ever see me at a store, fern in hand, feel free to slap it right on out of there!! Because I will buy it if you don’t. It will be my next victim.

p.s. All images used in this post are from Google, haha. I can’t keep them living long enough to get a good photo!